Marriage is the price men pay for sex. Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
After 20 years of marriage the blonde wife and her husband finally achieved sexual compatibility. They both had headaches!
A liberated woman named Cora
Thinks wedlock a male-devised horror.
It’s sub rosa screwing
That everyone’s doing
And she prefers richer to poorer!
Said the young gardener Dot,
“There’s something I ponder a lot:
If I water my bush,
And prune it when lush,
Will that prevent the onset of rot?”
How a man can tell if a woman has PMS
She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
She buys you a new T-shirt—–with a bulls-eye on the front.
You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.
Rules for being a guy…
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional).
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach….and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Finally…Always split aces and eights. No arguments!
